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i've decided... [08 Apr 2007|05:42pm] i kind of like living by myself for the time being. this will hopefully be the last time in my life that i will ever have to live by myself, so i am enjoying it. i'll find out later on today if the offer we put on our house gets accepted. in one month i'll be living in a house with 3 of the most amazing/interesting people i have ever met! i'm pretty excited. other than that... i have a crush on a boy that i've been hanging out with every day for the past 3 months, but he refuses to make a move. i have a $500 speeding ticket. i stopped taking birth control and i've been on an emotional roller coaster for a month. damn hormones. i wish i owned a yacht. we never wake.

i don't take life seriously because it doesn't take me seriously. [22 Mar 2007|11:16am] yesterday i: got a job for the first time in a year. :( grandma's not going to pay my rent after she sees what my grades look like this semester. had a photo shoot. (met some professional photographer guy in a bar the other day who wanted to take my picture) went to the beauty bar only to be ignored by my boyfriend. so i took him off my top friends on myspace and changed my status. i LOVE how immature i am and that myspace controls everything. then, at 2am, i went to unlv and sat on a 14 foot rocking chair with 7 fraternity guys until 4 am. no, i was not drunk or high. this is a true story. from 1 silent dream we never wake.

[20 Mar 2007|11:01am] i am eating vegetables, but i should be doing my homework. i do good things in my life, but i can never get my priorities straight. i need to find a balance. i need to move out of my fucking apartment. i'm getting a house at the beginning of may with some best friends. i can't wait. hopefully in two months, i will get better. technically, i'm showing some improvement now that the days are warm and the nights are blurry. but things could always get better. always. we never wake.

february 27th... [27 Feb 2007|03:01am] is an intense day for me. good thing that i was wasted for the first 3 hours of it. oh wait, i still am. i snuck into my mom's house. because i refuse to sleep alone tonight like i am forced to every other night.i'll go to my apartment eventually. when i have decided whether i am losing grip on reality or holding on way too tightly to it. either way i'm fucked. this doesn't even make sense/ from 1 silent dream we never wake.

[19 Feb 2007|02:08pm] i am such a happy girl. happy happy happy. he is everything i've ever wanted. we never wake.

insecurity [17 Feb 2007|07:32pm] is setting in. god damnit. we never wake.

[15 Feb 2007|10:31am] i had the best valentines day ever. it was even more fun than all the valentines days spent with serious boyfriends. because it was our first date. everything was new and everyone was drunk. so i found the best friends i could ever ask for. honestly, besides my immediate family, brie, mary, and bryan hill are my favorite people/best friends in the world. we never wake.

[12 Feb 2007|08:53pm] i... have a valentine. ♥ we never wake.

don't let this die, we may never fall in love again. [06 Feb 2007|11:44pm] i cry myself to sleep every night because i live by myself in a 900 square foot box of an apartment. and no one ever comes to visit me in my little box. most nights, when it's not too cold, i'll sit outside on my balcony and wish on the first star i see that maybe someone will come knock on my door and keep me company. not my creepy downstairs neighbor, of course, who leaves me bottles of shampoo and knocks on my door late at night inquiring what political party i'm registered to vote under. i know i complain about this a lot, but living by myself is the most terrible thing. i realize that i am lucky to have my own apartment and have my rent paid for, but i didn't think that it would ever be like this. i moved into this apartment with a person who was one of my best friends at the time, and now that i kicked her out i am so lonely in my empty little apartment all by my empty little self. the worst thing about every day is going home. that's why i stay at my mom's house until ridiculous hours of the morning, because i don't want to be alone. that is where i am right now. in my ex room in my ex house. on another note, loving someone when they do not want to be loved...sucks. but whatever. at least when you start growing up it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. man, i turn 21 in 4 days. time to grow up. but i don't want to. from 2 silent dreams we never wake.

eww. [05 Feb 2007|06:51pm] scratch that. i am emotionally incapable of liking anyone. single life is the way to go! we never wake.

even CLOSER. [23 Jan 2007|03:25pm] i have an irrational fear of medicine cabinets. specifically the magnetized doors of medicine cabinets. i feel that if i leave the door to my medicine cabinet open, i will kill myself on it accidentally. i have an irrational fear of glaciers. i feel like if i ever encountered a glacier, its edges would be sharp and cut me up. i also have an irrational fear of getting paper cuts in my eyes. so don't throw a paper airplane at me. i might start crying. these are not things that i think about every so often. i obsess over these things. isn't that ridiculous? my friend just killed himself on friday. i found out about it sunday. i have been living on nothing but energy drinks, cigarettes, and a sad demeanor for 3 days. i couldn't even bring myself to go to school today. i feel myself giving up. as you get older, things don't have the same thrill as they used to. candy doesn't taste as good as it did when i was younger. waking up next to someone nowadays isn't as exciting as it was when i was younger. love doesn't even feel the same anymore. but i guess i may as well make the best of things now. i'm going to be dead for A LOT longer than i will have been alive. so i might as well enjoy it, right? the way i figure, i've got about 50-60 years left of waiting around. from 6 silent dreams we never wake.

[28 Nov 2006|01:15pm] i am going to montana for christmas with zoe! i'm so excited. i've never been anywhere cold. i guess i can't wear flip flops there, right? oh, and in case you haven't gotten the memo, one of my ugly friends fucked one of my ugly ex boyfriends. so it's only fair that me and her hot ex boyfriend are together. my life is fucking hilarious. shannon says i should write a book. it's pretty cool that a different ex boyfriend of mine, who i have been through 3 years worth of shit with, can finally be really cool with me. cool enough to get so high last night and laugh about the past. i have to go to school now. i hate school. i'm failing everything :( from 5 silent dreams we never wake.

we're both wasted. we're not going anywhere like this. [23 Nov 2006|04:20pm] it is thanksgiving day and i almost did something amazing at 5:30 this morning. but of course i stopped myself. i am afraid to let myself live because life also means death. so i live in my little box of an apartment and come out only when i absolutely have to. i envy you people who can go on with your lives and not think about the things that i have to think about day in and day out. it is november 23rd and i am wearing a short sleeved shirt. shouldn't it be cold outside? i want to go to idaho and see my long lost love. but i'm afraid it would be too cold for me there. i wish i had moved to huntington beach this semester. that was the plan. but i'm not the type of person who sticks to plans or schedules or deadlines. i need to stop falling in love with the people i make up in my head. even though they don't exist, they still make me miserable. from 1 silent dream we never wake.

[15 Nov 2006|07:28pm] yesterday was the worse day of my life. by far. my roomate let a coke dealer into my house and he stole 300$ from her. then she left me a message later that night saying that she had drank too much and she needed me. so after 6 ignored phone calls from her i had my mom drive over to my apartment but she wouldn't answer. so i finally walk in and find her just sitting there with some random black guy. i just exploded because i thought i was about to walk into her laying dead in a puddle of vomit and she didn't even seem to care. i got a sorry and a weird look from random black guy. and as if my day weren't bad enough, after all that my boyfriend broke up with me. and then i ran out of cigarettes. but at least kyle was there for me for once. kyle is the boy i used to see, but he ended up hurting me pretty bad. but now that we both came to an understanding, we're fine. i'm so sick of everything. from 5 silent dreams we never wake.

i thought that things were different this time around. [13 Nov 2006|10:49pm] yeah. right. i hate boys. they are all the same. i'm so sick of playing games. i describe myself as nonchalant and indifferent. i wish i believed it. from 1 silent dream we never wake.

feeling minnesota. [09 Nov 2006|01:03pm] i'm getting old. i used to be 14. i used to be unborn. i used to be 7. and tomorrow...i'll be 40 or 50. i figured out why i modify my body so much. i don't want to feel invisible anymore. i'm up to 7 tattoos and 11 peircings. that's not really that much. in a way it's too much. this month has been amazing/miserable. i love my roomate more than anything. we have so much fun. but i am losing touch with reality at a very fast pace. and i'm upset. my boyfriend is going to california all weekend :( from 2 silent dreams we never wake.

[28 Oct 2006|02:31pm] i had my first crush party on thursday and it was amazing. we rode a party bus there. everything after that is a blur. it was the most fun i've ever had. i should probably get a job soon, seeing as how when i lose my millenuim scholarship, my family is going to cut me off and stop paying for school and my apartment. wow, my roomate and i are the poorest people to ever live in a nice place like we do. we shared a cucumber with ranch last night for dinner. haha. isn't that sad? but i absolutley love it and i wouldn't want it any other way. we never wake.

i'm all dressed up and i'm ready to play. [25 Oct 2006|12:51pm] yes, like i said before, i am a happy happy girl. especially after last night. i moved into my apartment on saturday and it has been bliss ever since. i love my roommate more than anything, even when i get woken up by her and her friend kevin at 6 am after an entire night of drinking. and even though we don't have much furniture and we barley have enough money between the two of us to eat, both of us couldn't be happier. and then there's the boy...sigh. i am such a sucker for an adorable boy with a broken collarbone. from 1 silent dream we never wake.

[20 Oct 2006|01:37pm] i'm a happy girl. happy happy happy. the undisclosed reason will become more clear in future entries. hopefully. and i move out in less than 24 hours. yay. hey, i think i need a picture entry. ( Read more... ) we never wake.

[14 Oct 2006|03:08pm] i'm so tired of juggling my time between everyone and everything. i mean i love going out and stuff, but i feel like i never have a moment for myself. every day is planned out for me. i guess those are the perks of being in a sorority. anyways... this is going to sound ridiculous, but it's true. a famous boy wants to hang out with me. i don't really expect anything to happen because he's on t.v. and he has girls throwing themselves all over him, but it's going to be cool to hang out with him again. i used to hang out with this kid a really long time ago in high school, so you can imagine my surprise when i was flipping through channels about 6 months ago and saw him on my t.v. other than that, life is good. i woke up at 7:30 am and there was a thunderstorm happening outside of my window. i wish it was still like that right now. from 1 silent dream we never wake.

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